President Donald Trump has been right about absolutely everything so far during his reign. And he was right that the USA should get Greenland, except for one little thing: we don’t need to buy it. We should just take it. Taking Greenland would be easy, the natives living there would love it, and it would be a lot cheaper than paying a jacked up price. Everybody wins!
Even communists and Californians would agree that taking Greenland would be easy. The American military has 165,000 badass machine-gun-toting troops stationed around the world. We have even more badass machine-gun-toting civilians in Louisiana. The Duck Dynasty state leads the nation and beats Mexico, South Africa, and every Asian and European country in per capita murder by firearm. Them Louisiana boys know how to stand their ground! (Except the ones getting shot; they know how to lay six feet under their ground.) America could drop ten pissed off cajuns into Greenland and own the entire island before halftime.
The Eskimos and Antarctic cave men living in Greenland will be so honored to be American! Right now all they have in that shithole is pristine scenery, which is good for postcards but not much else. That’s why those ice humpers are so poor and have a per capita GDP of just $48,000, compared to American’s $50,000. When Greenland becomes a US state, we can make some bank by popping up oil rigs and strip mines and industrial feedlots. We’ll also introduce those primitives to capitalist health care, stand your ground laws, the Kardashians, climate denial, abstinence-only birth control, and religion. They’ll be speechless with gratitude, and because they don’t speak English.
We also need to take Greenland by force so we don’t get ripped off on price. America got screwed when we bought Alaska for $12 per square mile, and paying a whopping $18 per square mile for the Louisiana Purchase is still an embarrassment 216 years later. Both of those loser deals were inked by Democratic presidents, of course. Republican presidents got us Guam, Samoa, and the Mariana Islands on the cheap; the US just took them.
So let’s take the cow called Greenland. America spends 2,825 times more on tis military than Denmark. The US has stealth bombers and aircraft carriers and Space Force. The Danes have Legos, a pastry named after them, twice as many bicycles as cars, and the suspicious title of “happiest place to live” for the last eight years. Greenland needs a better ruler, America needs more land, and President Trump needs to stop asking politely and just grab what he wants.