The National Rifle Association has come out to today with a new plan to better utilize the young men who have taken part in a violent epidemic of school shootings that have been increasing in frequency for the last twenty years in the US. NRA leaders have stated that they believe the best option would be to put these men to work as soldiers. When we reached out for comment, a spokesperson had this to say, “Look, massacres aren’t the problem. We just have to massacre the right people. We don’t want American school children to die, but school children in Yemen or Syria? An angry teen with an AK-47 could wipe those little terrorists out! I think we can all agree that is what is best for our National Security.” The organization states that killing groups of unarmed people is a big part of American culture, and rather than shaming those who participate in one of our most beloved rituals of patriotism, they should be taught when and where it is appropriate to absolutely decimate as many as 150 completely innocent civilians.
Possible plans for this type of recruitment includes identifying possible school shooters early on, so that they can receive training and maximize their potential. Initial guidelines for selecting new recruits include screening for tendencies such as hurting small animals, writing violent and misogynistic manifestos, and posting with the family weapons on social media. When asked why the association would want to encourage such behaviors, the spokesperson clarified that they “don’t want school shootings to happen, but we know that anti-social behavior and deep hatred for others can make a young man an asset to our military operations. We hope to recruit students before they kill any American students, but if we can’t see their talent before then, it is really our own failure and I don’t think these boys should be punished for slipping through the cracks”
Politicians, including President Trump, have already spoken up in support of this idea, agreeing that traditional American values such as unfettered violence should not be eliminated just to save a few snotty kids, but should instead be considered a great asset to be channeled into violent military action that can lead to the acquisition of oil and other resources.