Some people are supporters of Amy Klobuchar. But many, many more people are NOT supporters of Amy Klobuchar. This 2020 GEN hater’s guide, the third in an already famed and illustrious series, is for those in the latter group.
The lady who eats salad with a comb. You know, Marco Rubio had his little water fuckup in 2016 but then his PAC had enough good cheer (for them, at least) to give water bottles to donors as a defiant little wink. Amy Klobuchar, true to form, is not interested in such levities. The only time she’s gonna wink at you is when you’re trying to merge in front of her car and she won’t let you.
“However, the aide forgot utensils and the flight had none on board, prompting Klobuchar to berate the aide and pull a comb from her bag to eat the salad, the paper reported, citing four people familiar with the episode. Klobuchar then directed the aide to clean the comb after she had finished.”
Christ. The ONE fellow Vikings fan in this whole field and it’s this idiot. I’ve dealt with United Airlines gate agents who are more charming than this woman.
I’m not done with the abuse shit yet! I know that Americans are used to the president lashing out at everyone like he’s starring as the kid in a reboot of The Toy, but that doesn’t give one of his potential opponents the right to be similarly rude and miserable to people, and to be 100% comfortable with that being an open secret in town. Going by reports from the Times, from HuffPost, from BuzzFeed, and apparently from anyone who has a pass to ride on the U.S. Capitol subway system, Klobuchar treats her staff like she’s running to be the CEO of Away and not to be POTUS. Given her polling numbers, the former is a much more realistic goal for her. She even tries to fuck over former employees when they want to find new jobs!
“The senator is well known on Capitol Hill for calling prospective employers in an attempt to shut new job opportunities down — including at least one opportunity with the Obama administration. Accounts of Klobuchar trying to thwart job-seekers come from half a dozen Capitol Hill staffers and former Klobuchar employees, all of whom requested anonymity.”
If you’re of voting age, you know that there’s a marked difference between everyday assholes and people who go way out of their way to be assholes. Amy Klobuchar lands squarely in the latter category and, compounding the problem, refuses to apologize for it.
“Yes, I can be tough, and yes I can push people. I have high expectations for myself, I have high expectations for the people that work for me, but I have high expectations for this country.”
Oh, well it’s comforting to know that, if elected, President Klobs will hurl a binder at your face if you don’t go along with her agenda. I personally think it’s worth relitigating reports of Klobuchar’s pettiness now, particularly because you can see it reflected both on the debate stage and in her body of public work. It certainly dovetails nicely with the senator’s history as a… sigh… former prosecutor back in her home state of Minnesota, where she displayed a penchant for incarcerating nonviolent offenders that would make even Kamala Harris scream “COP” at her. No wonder one South Carolina poll has Klobuchar at absolute 0% with black voters:
She’s doing worse with black people than Pete Buttigieg! Fucking Paula Deen is more popular with blacks than Pete Buttigieg is! Klobuchar’s extensive DINO track record must be the reason that she was gifted a prized half-endorsement from a mush-spined New York Times editorial board that basically decided the Democratic party should be two parties, and that Klobuchar was fit to lead the shittier of those two. There’s a whole cadre of op-ed columnists still trying to make Amy Klobuchar happen. To steal a line from David Lee Roth, op-ed columnists love Amy Klobuchar because op-ed columnists look like Amy Klobuchar.
If you’re willing to overlook the fact that she’s a terrible person behind closed doors, I suppose you could give Klobuchar credit for being both a prolific working senator and a hard-ass toward men who richly deserve to bear the brunt of her particular brand of aggro Minnesota scorn. But that scorn isn’t as winning, nor as effective, when it’s directed at everyone else in plain sight. I am originally from Minnesota and I have been in carpools with parents who were infected with similar cases of Heartland Brain. Talk to any Minnesotan and their demeanor screams I’M CHARMING while they’re simultaneously talking passive shit about your jacket right in front of you. “Oh gee, that’s such a nice jacket! I bet you got a great deal on it!”
But the Minnesota-ness of Klobuchar runs much deeper than that. Like I said up there, she’s a prolific senator. She’ll tell you so herself. She has the stats and receipts to prove it. Why, she got more bills passed than any other senator in 2016! That’s pretty amazing until you realize that EVERYTHING STILL FUCKING SUCKS. You know all those deranged and wildly unqualified judges that Trump has stocked the judicial pond with? Amy Klobuchar helped confirm them. Now that’s getting the job done.
Klobuchar exists mainly as the wiliest Democratic operative in the Senate, passing shit that might be good in tiny little increments but nothing that is definitively good and landscape-altering, while also letting truly horrible laws and appointments skate right by her. Imagine Joe Biden being canny enough to do all the lame shit that Joe Biden wants to do. PRESTO! You now have Amy Klobuchar. She hates the idea of a wealth tax. She hated Trump’s tax cut but only because it cut corporate taxes just a touch more than she herself wanted to cut them. And she REALLY hates Medicare for All. Why? Because, folks, Amy Klobuchar is just a gosh darn realist.
“Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) went directly at the two leading progressive candidates, Sens. Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, to make the case for a more ‘practical’ health care reform agenda rather than pursuing Medicare-for-all… Over two-thirds of the Democrats in the US Senate are not on the bill that you and Sen. Warren are on,” Klobuchar said to Sanders on the debate stage.”
This is why she fails. The current fight for the soul of the Democratic Party isn’t really about moderates versus progressives. It’s about candidates who are willing to lead versus candidates who throw their hands up at every conceivable roadblock that might stand in their way. Amy Klobuchar is scared shitless of roadblocks and wants nothing to do with them. Instead, she will go the full Rahm and harass an aide to go be NICE to the roadblock, perhaps by offering it a hot dish. With two sterling silver serving combs to help dole it out. And that is…
We already have one failed dealmaker in the Oval Office, so you’ll excuse me if I’m not super pumped to replace him with a self-styled Insider who knows how to play the game the right way but has no interest in changing ANYTHING about that game or how it is played. That’s how you end up with a global warming policy that promises to put “our country on a path to achieving 100% net-zero emissions no later than 2050.” Oh, by 2050! That’s flawless timing, given that scientists have already reported that Global Environmental Armageddon is set to arrive 10 years prior to that.
You’ll excuse me then, Amy, if I have HIGHER EXPECTATIONS. I need a fucking leader. I need someone who isn’t gonna sit there and tell me what is and isn’t politically feasible while the world dies. I need someone who has the force of will and the force of personality to make the seemingly undoable doable. But Amy Klobuchar has only proven willing to deploy her own Reality Distortion Field when she needs those TPS reports on her desk two hours ago.
The Times endorsement was, fittingly, half right. Klobuchar is easily the best of the remaining centrist puds. I’d vote for her over Biden without even blinking. Thankfully, I have not yet been reduced to such limited choices. Given that she’s likely at the end of her campaign, may I strongly suggest she shoot for Senate minority leader instead? Lord knows Chuck Schumer deserves to have a binder filled with sheet metal thrown at him.