How to Win Friends and Influence 76.69% of the People: The Putin Revised Edition

1. Do not criticize (the government):

“One should always be careful when expressing criticism. It puts the other party on the defensive and instantly starts a position of conflict. This is especially true when criticizing my government. Can you imagine starting a conflict with me? Hah. I kill you.”

2. Give honest, sincere appreciation (to Vladimir):

“Dr. Dewey stated in the original book that one of humankind’s deepest urges is the ‘desire to feel important.’ This also applies to me, because I am the most important person in the world. You will also think so. Or — you won’t think at all anymore.”

3. Get the other person’s point of view and see things from their angle (as long as it is the right angle):

“Understanding the other party’s point of view is the first step to finding compromise and gaining influence. When it comes to my government, there are many ways for you to understand our point of view — TV, radio, newspapers, casual conversation at local coffee shops — we control all this, just listen to us. If you don’t want to, the KGB will always lend you an ear — (taken from another non-listener)”

4. Become genuinely interested in other people (other people being Me, Vlad):

“When you show genuine interest in other people, they feel appreciated and are more likely to listen to you. This is why you should listen to me — I am very interesting person! I earned blackbelt in Judo at 18. I scored 8 goals against National Hockey League players at old age of 65. I discovered ancient greek objects while diving in the Black Sea. I drive F1 cars and visit deep seas in tiny submarines. I am also best friends with greatest American actor, Steven Seagal. See how great I am? You agree yes? Or — you never agree again — with anything.”

5. Smile (don’t let me see you frown):

“Everyone loves a person that smiles. Especially me, I don’t like non-happy people. So if you see me, smile! Or — I can help give you Joker smile and always be happy.”

6. Remember names (specifically the names Vladimir and Putin):

“Carnegie originally wrote that a “man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in the English language.” In Russian, this is almost same. Sweetest and most important two sounds are Vladimir and Putin.”

7. Be a good listener (to all government propaganda):

“Carnegie advises to “encourage others to talk about themselves” in the original book. This is good advice when talking to anyone. Listening is important — especially when those words come from my friends and I. You will always listen to us, yes? Or — you will listen for long time in Gulag.”

8. Make the other person feel important (if that other person is me, Vlad):

“Making others feel important is very good thing to do. It helps people feel relaxed. When talking to or about me, Vlad, you should remember this advice. Because I am THE most important. And you don’t want to make me feel not super important. Or — you know by now I’m sure.”

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