Pre-Iowa Caucus Voicemails from 2020 Democratic Candidates

Joe Biden: Hey, folks! Grandpa-Uncle Joe here. I just wrapped up a steaming hot shower and now I’m seated on my sofa with nothing but a cotton towel draped across my midsection. Iowa’s a lovely state, and I can’t wait to get my hands dirty out there in the cornfields. You know, in Field of Dreams they compare heaven to Iowa. Well, I say those bastards didn’t go far enough — the beauty of heaven pales in comparison to an Iowa sunset. When I served as Vice President with Barack Obama, he won Iowa. Why, he even won the state in 2008, when I was but a blip on the radar of greatness. Now, history has been won and victory made. That’s why, I’m…hey, look, I may have voted for the Iraq War, but I sure as hell would vote against it today. So, vote Joe. I’ve got blue-collar friends! Go Cornhuskers.

Elizabeth Warren: Gosh, guys, it’s been quite a journey. From my “he said/she said” feud with Senator Bernie Sanders to my endorsement from the Des Moines Register, I could not be more excited for the Iowa caucuses. What this country needs is for Wall Street to come down from its extreme high and give the folks on Main Street more than just a teeny tiny little contact high. With me as your president, you’ll get a fighter. You’ll get someone who gets you. You’ll get a go-getter. Most importantly, you’ll get a tough-as-nails woman, unafraid to take on the male power players who dominate this heteronormative society — a woman not named Hillary Clinton. What more could you ask for? Now, Donald Trump is a grave danger to the America we love. Let’s not make America wait again. Let’s kick that S.O.B. out of office and make the economy start working for working class people.

Bernie Sanders: Make no mistake about it — this planet is going to hell. Climate change is threatening to give the top 0.1 percent another sixteen trillion dollars over ten years, while wages stagnate all across the Midwest, including the great state of Iowa. Now, I love Iowa. But Iowans must understand, just as we all must, that the military industrial complex is driving up healthcare costs and the prescription drug companies are conspiring with the fossil fuel industry to funnel more money to corporate media conglomerates. When I am elected president, I will cancel student debt, drive up property taxes on Wall Street, and create a speculation on speculation tax for all shareholders and stockbrokers. If those crooks speculate on so much as who might win the Super Bowl, I will tax the hell out of them. Now, I don’t have a lot of time, and I’ve gotta get back to Burlington, but I will leave you with this: The Walton Family owns more wealth than the bottom ninety percent of people in this country, all of Canada, half of Switzerland, and one tenth of Russia. Think about it.

Pete Buttigieg: Mayor Pete’s the name and intellectual compassion is the game. Look, I know I’m a bit younger than “Grandpa Joe,” “Aunt Liz,” and “Crazy Uncle Bernie,” but what I lack in age, I make up for in having a wrinkle-free face, with wittle wound cheeks you just wanna pinch. I realize I have little chance of winning this election. I also realize I am currently not a senator, not a congressperson, but a mayor. My candidacy would be laughable if we weren’t up against a former reality television host and failed casino operator. But hey, I’m young and I’m smart as a whip. I also served in the military. And I know what you’re thinking: is America really ready for a gay president? Well to that, I say, “hoo-ah!”

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